There's life in these old bones. I'm not perky, but definitely better than yesterday. Finally noticed my plants are dying and am getting around to watering. Have kept my cat alive for two days, and myself too. There's hope.
Today I wrote a furious letter to Lisi Tesher at the Star, who's been allowed to take her mother Ellie's place several times a week as an advice columnist. Ellie is sensible; Lisi often gives glib responses, but today's was particularly infuriating. A woman wrote that she and her husband, who have 3 school-age children, are divorcing. "Now what?" Lisi responded with great cheer that no problem, "there's no failure in divorce," "Co-parenting is different than what you're used to," "Think of all the positives."
Co-parenting is different, no question. As someone whose children had to go through the agony of divorce, I wrote to her that, unless the circumstances are exceptional, there's no way to sugarcoat what that family are all about to go through. They will need help, not cheery bromides. Jesus. Divorce, except for cases of abuse or addiction or other violence, is almost certainly disastrous for children. That doesn't mean the problems can't be overcome, but a great deal of work on both sides is needed to do so. Making light of what's ahead is a huge disservice to them all, but particularly to the children.
I'm especially aware of all this now because I'm working on my essay book, which has a number of pieces about divorce and single parenting. The ten or fifteen years after my divorce were in many ways nightmarish, yet I had financial support from my ex that allowed us to stay in our home and to pay for my shrink, who helped me through. Most custodial parents are not so lucky. If there is one thing I would NEVER do, it's downplay the cost of divorce for children.
Speaking of which, I watched the 3-part British TV series Life in Squares, about the Bloomsbury group, particularly Vanessa Bell and her marital arrangements. Her husband Clive moved on after they had two sons, living separately with his own lovers but visiting regularly. She was desperately in love with the gay painter Duncan Grant, who lived with her for most of his life; eventually, in what you gather was their only moment of sexual intimacy, they conceived a daughter. Angelica Bell didn't know until adulthood that Duncan not Clive was her father. Eventually she married David Garnet, who again she didn't find out until later had for years had been her father's lover.
Can you imagine learning your husband was for a long time your father's lover? Yikes. These people were ahead of their time in defining bisexuality in their own way! Not to mention, of course, Virginia and her passionate affair with Vita Sackville-West, while her dear husband Leonard Woolf tried to guard her sanity and talent.
Complicated. You gather few actual divorces; people just moved in and out of each other's beds and gorgeous country homes.
And then I watched my favourite Finding Your Roots. Such a great show, delving into people's pasts, often hundreds of years back. Last night's was about actors Edward Norton and Julia Roberts; at the end we find out that DNA tests revealed they're distantly related.
How helpful Amazon is. Just discovered my Jewish Shakespeare hardcover is on sale for nearly $90. No wonder the sales are pouring in.
Here are my animals, new and old:
It's another dark dark dark gloomy day, as it has been for the entire week - mild but oppressive. Another neighbour has just tested positive. A little sunshine would go a long way for us all, Powers That Be. Asking for a friend.
