being there

You can prepare all you want, but when the reality of this hits, it hits hard. I was surprised to burst into tears and sobbing, but it helped. I am flying to Ottawa first thing tomorrow morning. Things are dire - Mum has a collapsed lung along with everything else. They want to operate on her hip, not so that she can walk again, because she won't, but so that she's not in constant pain from the fracture every time they have to move her.

It's now about making her as comfortable as possible in palliative care. I am profoundly grateful that my brother is there with her, handling all this. It was very hard to call my aunt and tell her what's going on - I could hear what a shock it is for her too. My mother has been in her life for 89 years.

Mum has come through before, more times than is imaginable - three heart surgeries, a mastectomy and much, much more - so don't count her out, as my brother says. But this time, it looks like too many strikes are against her, and in some ways, it would be a blessing if we can help her through. Help her through to no pain, no more fear about where she is and where she will go. We've been calling nursing homes, and she would hate them all, it's sure. Maybe she won't have to try them out.

But then again, maybe she will. In any case, I will be by her side tomorrow, which is all that matters now.