grappling with the demons of doubt

I do not have Covid-19. Found out in 24 hours, thank you very much. Suddenly, when I heard "negative," I felt better. But not a whole lot better.

These last days, as I prepared to sit in a recording studio taping the audiobook of my memoir, I unearthed my inner neurotic actress. Suddenly I felt fragile and unwell. My throat hurt. All I thought about was my voice, my strength - how to prepare? I did vocal exercises all morning, limbering up throat and lips and tongue, as we learned to do in theatre school. I found it hard work, reading into a microphone for 3 hours, then editing the tapes we did the day before. Satisfying, but also scary. I'm recounting my own very personal story, and one of the voices, the negative voice I know so well, kept saying, "Who's going to want to listen to THIS? What a waste of time and money. YOUR time and money."

I'm insecure about my voice and also about my writing. Yes, I get good feedback about my writing from friends and students. But I contacted a publicist in Vancouver who was charming and friendly, willing to take me on. But now she's ghosting me. All publishers but one turned me down. I've never won a prose writing competition, never been included in an anthology. There's something about my work that doesn't work for the industry. Too much telling, Wayson used to say, not enough showing. Whatever it is - it's what I do, it's what the book is. What if it's disappointing readers right now?

Etcetera.

And yet - I've taped 145 pages of my book so far, acting my buns off, trying to do the voices, the accents, convey the mood swings of this young woman as she sets off on her odyssey. If no one wants to listen to it, I'll be disappointed, but I won't be surprised. That's our business.

Monique who's reading it said tonight, I thought I knew you but I don't at all! I said, Well for one things, you've never known me to have a sex life. Now she's reading about a time when I had a very active sex life. Not to mention the booze and drugs. Cu, the young technician doing the taping, mostly doesn't listen as I read, but after yesterday's reading, he wanted me to discuss something I knew about that he, cool young dude that he is, did not: cocaine.

In the meantime, Trudeau is struggling at a bad time, and the Democrats seem to be doing a good job at their convention. Please God.